limbo –

The dictionary defines limbo as

an intermediate, transitional, or midway state or place.


a place or state of imprisonment or confinement.


The question then becomes how many of us and how often we feel we are in limbo.  That feeling of not knowing where you are going, which direction is the right one.  That place where we have imprisoned ourselves in our heads, unable to move on from this transitional place because we can’t sort out the thoughts racing through our minds or ebbing and tiding with each heartbeat.  


I know I am definitely one of those people who sometimes finds it easy to lose her way.   Who finds a temporary home in limbo. In that place where confusion reigns and dissatisfaction is the prevailing emotion.  When work seems to be stuck in a rut – not advancing, no longer caring or being passionate about what you do.  When you unconsciously push away those closest to you because you just don’t have the energy to deal with anyone.  When your romantic relationship seems to be on hold and you can’t tell if it is going backwards or forwards or anywhere at all.  That time when the most satisfying thing is to lie on the couch.  But I am also one of the fortunate ones.  Those wonderful people that I try to shut out because I just don’t want to deal with life.  They stand by me.  They pull me up when I don’t want to get off the couch; they hold me up when I don’t have the energy.  And then there are the loves of my life, my passions, my desires, all of those people and things who, at even the most lackadaisical of my times, are always at the back of mind.  Always there patiently waiting, as they drift through my thoughts, the remembrance of the beauty and light there past the fog. 


My limbo is primarily in the winter.  The short days and cold grey skies push me into an even greyer funk.  But as the theory of limbo promises it is just transitional.  Spring does come.  The green does return and with the promise

of all life can be.  Each extra hour of daylight, each new sprouting flower and leaf on the tree, they rouse my soul.  The clean warm air gently blowing and clearing the tangled cobwebs of thought from my head. And the promise of new tomorrows places me back on a path full of adventure and joy for life.   I can once again embrace the day to day, the amazing people in my life and a fresh vision. 


I also know that limbo will return.  It is not a stationary place or condition.  It slides in and out of my perspective.  Occasionally even returning in the middle of my favorite sunny summer days.  I can only rely on the knowledge that this mental detention is just that, a temporary detention.  And like the naughty child held after school for talking in class, my detention will end and I will be out on the playground with the rest of kids soon.   So for all of us, the challenge becomes developing an attitude that allows our personal limbos to only be that transitional state and not a permanent confinement or imprisonment. How ready am I to face that challenge?  How ready are you?

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Changes & challenges

It seems that 2 words can describe my life lately – changes & challenges.  In the last few months, I have changed where I live, who I live with, my vision of the future and of how I see myself.  All of those changes have come with challenges — sometimes as major as just being able to get out of bed in the morning, sometimes as minor as trying to figure out where and how to hang a picture.  Today brought about another major change.  A person that I thought would be my friend forever has decided that it is better for him to end our relationship.  And this week brings up 2 more major challenges.  Facing the first birthday I have had alone in a lot of years and to top it off, it is my 42nd birthday.   The day after that I start out on my 3-day, 60 mile adventure in the Susan G Komen Breast Cancer 3-Day.

So how do I face these challenges and the many more that will come into my life?  I wish I knew.  I wish that there was a guaranteed plan to tell me what to do when each change comes along and when I have to face each challenge. So far, none has shown up.  Everyone keeps telling me that there is not a manual.   At this point I am only putting one foot in front of the other.  Or some mornings, one foot out of bed.  I can honestly say that if it were not for my sons and my friends, I would not even be doing that.   The thought of my sons having to face being without me is what makes me keep going.  My friends are the ones who give me the support, encouragement, love, shoulders to lean and cry on and just, in general, keep me upright.

Well, to face the most recent change, I guess I just move on.  I can't force someone to want to be a part of my life. (As much as I would like to be able to.)  The most recent challenges are another thing though.   My birthday – I would like to just say I will forget about it, but birthdays have always been a big deal in my family, so they are to me too.  Once again some of my friends come to the rescue.  They are making sure that I don't spend my birthday alone.  Dad and (what a nice surprise), Sis came through too – the cards are already here.

Friday morning dawns very early for the other big challenge of my week – the 3-Day.  Fortunately, one of my dearest friends will be by my side as we take off on our little hike.  It is a really challenging undertaking, but one so very worth every step.  (See my earlier post on why I walk)

Thursday night, as I celebrate my birthday, my friends and I will raise a toast and mine will be to changes and challenges and finding the strength and faith to get through them.  To my friends, my sons and the rest of my family.  Thank you for being there to make sure I get through all of these things.

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