Finding old friends

I took on what I thought would be time-consuming, rather dull project.   I volunteered to help my alumni rep find my high school classmates – Go Trojans – Zama High School, 1983
But I am so excited! It has been time consuming, but I am tracking them down one at a time.  The other night, for the first time in 25 years, I talked to a boy (I guess, he is man now) that I had a crush on in high school.  It was so wonderful to catch up and to find out that he is happily married and living a really great life. 
The other people I have been able to catch up with have been just as thrilled to hear from me as I am to find them. 
This is so exciting!

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Promises to myself, Part 1

This post is titled, part 1 because it is going to be the first of many about promises that I am making or have made to myself (see my 43 things link) – this one is a simple promise, or hopefully will be a simple promise, I am going to post something on my blog everyday. I don't promise prize-winning prose, but this activity does help clear my head and seems to give some order to my life, so doing it daily might help to make sense of some of the senselessness that is swirling around me.

I have spent a lot of time in the last several months thinking about my life, where it has been, where it is going and primarily what do I want out of it.  I still don't know. Sometimes I am so certain what I want, sometimes it just all seems to be dreams floating on air.  I decided that it is time to take back control of my life.  Somewhere in the last couple of years, I seem to let my life slip out of my hands.  Oh, if I am being honest, I have opened them wide open, laid my palms flat and let go. There are a lot of reasons and a lot of excuses.  Sometimes a single thing is both a reason and an excuse.  Now the next step in re-taking control is to sort out which is a reason and which is an excuse. 

A friend of mine has recommended that I read this book. She says it has given her a new perspective on how to approach getting the meaning out of life that she is looking for.  So, I have a copy, I'll give a try.  I'll let you know how it turns out.  If it makes sense and touches me or gives me that "A-ha" moment, don't be surprised to find it under your Christmas tree.

I'm rather excited by this "adventure" I am making myself start out on.  Yesterday (and a good portion of the days before that), I spent on the verge of tears, feeling alone, unloveable, abandoned and completely lost and confused.  I am not sure that changed overnight, but something did.  I've always been a believer in the power of prayer and maybe it was just that quick little one that flitted through my mind as I drifted to sleep.  I like to think that was what it was that allowed me to wake up with this new sense.  Whatever it was, I'm happy that it is here.  I know that every day will not feel like this, especially with the holidays coming.  The first that I will spend alone in 13 years (10 with Terry and 3 with Bart).  I was really feeling that loneliness until I realized that I am not alone unless I want to be.   So, I will have good days and bad and my goal each day will be to learn something from each of those days.  I have to start being the glass half-full girl more often than I have been lately.  Wish me luck! 

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Time to do something new

As I sit here watching the minutes creep by, I am reminded of why I need something new in my life.  I like my job most of the time.  I’m pretty darn good at my job all of the time.  But there is that overwhelming feeling that I am destined to be doing something different.  More personal, grander, more fulfilling.  Not necessarily more exciting, but something that leaves me feeling gratified at the end of the day.  Something that makes me wake up each morning and feel that my destiny is in my own hands.  Something that gives me the freedom to put all of my amazing skills and talents to the fullest test, driving me to find the things in me that I did not know I had, pushing me to learn and grow each day (or at least most days).

 

 I’m to the point of dragging myself out of bed, mind wandering on the drive into work, sitting in my little stall in this cubicle farm and feeling like I have been shackled to this desk and chair until the clock finally strikes and it is time for me to leave.  Maybe I just need a change of scenery, but my heart tells me otherwise.  As comforting as the security of that bi-weekly paycheck and the benefits is, it has also become suffocating.  I’m scared.  There are so many other people who depend on my financial security (my kids, my stomach, my car finance company, Comcast, Peco, my landlord… LOL), but their dependence now weighs on me like an anchor around my neck pulling me down into the watery depths of boredom.  I am working on the courage, and the plan, to free myself, but there are so many things to consider to ensure that my children do not suffer for my need for room to breath.   I refuse to keep worrying about anyone or anything else.  That will work itself out.  It might mean, fewer cable channels, a smaller apartment, fewer new pairs of shoes, but those are minor sacrifices to spend each day feeling like it is my own.  Not feeling as if I owe that day and my energy to some corporate behemoth that has no recognition of my heart and soul’s desires.   But a feeling that the day and the energy I have put into it has made the world a better place, me a happier person and has put my soul at rest in the knowledge that I am giving of myself and to myself.

 

I watch with envy and admiration to my friends and acquaintances who have found the strength to work at jobs they love, whether it is for themselves or someone else.  There is a carefree attitude that they carry that I want to see in myself and to have others see in me.  Not to say they do not work hard, struggle and get frustrated.  I know that they do! I’ve been there to hold some their hands through some pretty rough times, but they have one shared knowledge that I do not these days.  They know that no matter how rough the times may be, they LOVE what they do.  Their passion and dedication are my touchstones, my holy grail that I am urgently seeking.  I am ready to strike out on my quest, my crusade.  What I need now is a plan (which I am this close to perfecting – watch for more on that in the coming days – things may surprise you!), the strength (which may come out of sheer desperation and boredom) and the support, advice and mentoring of some really talented people who understand this yearning.  I’m seeking volunteers!  I’m open to all advice, direction and moral support. 

 

I need to find that place in the world that is uniquely mine.  Wayne Dyer said (and forgive me Wayne for stealing your quote) “Doing what you love is the cornerstone of having abundance in your life.”  It is time for the abundance in my life.  Now I just need to find the place to do it, whether it is for me or someone else.  It has become an imperative that I find the abundance.

 

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