Promises to myself, Part 1

This post is titled, part 1 because it is going to be the first of many about promises that I am making or have made to myself (see my 43 things link) – this one is a simple promise, or hopefully will be a simple promise, I am going to post something on my blog everyday. I don't promise prize-winning prose, but this activity does help clear my head and seems to give some order to my life, so doing it daily might help to make sense of some of the senselessness that is swirling around me.

I have spent a lot of time in the last several months thinking about my life, where it has been, where it is going and primarily what do I want out of it.  I still don't know. Sometimes I am so certain what I want, sometimes it just all seems to be dreams floating on air.  I decided that it is time to take back control of my life.  Somewhere in the last couple of years, I seem to let my life slip out of my hands.  Oh, if I am being honest, I have opened them wide open, laid my palms flat and let go. There are a lot of reasons and a lot of excuses.  Sometimes a single thing is both a reason and an excuse.  Now the next step in re-taking control is to sort out which is a reason and which is an excuse. 

A friend of mine has recommended that I read this book. She says it has given her a new perspective on how to approach getting the meaning out of life that she is looking for.  So, I have a copy, I'll give a try.  I'll let you know how it turns out.  If it makes sense and touches me or gives me that "A-ha" moment, don't be surprised to find it under your Christmas tree.

I'm rather excited by this "adventure" I am making myself start out on.  Yesterday (and a good portion of the days before that), I spent on the verge of tears, feeling alone, unloveable, abandoned and completely lost and confused.  I am not sure that changed overnight, but something did.  I've always been a believer in the power of prayer and maybe it was just that quick little one that flitted through my mind as I drifted to sleep.  I like to think that was what it was that allowed me to wake up with this new sense.  Whatever it was, I'm happy that it is here.  I know that every day will not feel like this, especially with the holidays coming.  The first that I will spend alone in 13 years (10 with Terry and 3 with Bart).  I was really feeling that loneliness until I realized that I am not alone unless I want to be.   So, I will have good days and bad and my goal each day will be to learn something from each of those days.  I have to start being the glass half-full girl more often than I have been lately.  Wish me luck! 

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Time to do something new

As I sit here watching the minutes creep by, I am reminded of why I need something new in my life.  I like my job most of the time.  I’m pretty darn good at my job all of the time.  But there is that overwhelming feeling that I am destined to be doing something different.  More personal, grander, more fulfilling.  Not necessarily more exciting, but something that leaves me feeling gratified at the end of the day.  Something that makes me wake up each morning and feel that my destiny is in my own hands.  Something that gives me the freedom to put all of my amazing skills and talents to the fullest test, driving me to find the things in me that I did not know I had, pushing me to learn and grow each day (or at least most days).

 

 I’m to the point of dragging myself out of bed, mind wandering on the drive into work, sitting in my little stall in this cubicle farm and feeling like I have been shackled to this desk and chair until the clock finally strikes and it is time for me to leave.  Maybe I just need a change of scenery, but my heart tells me otherwise.  As comforting as the security of that bi-weekly paycheck and the benefits is, it has also become suffocating.  I’m scared.  There are so many other people who depend on my financial security (my kids, my stomach, my car finance company, Comcast, Peco, my landlord… LOL), but their dependence now weighs on me like an anchor around my neck pulling me down into the watery depths of boredom.  I am working on the courage, and the plan, to free myself, but there are so many things to consider to ensure that my children do not suffer for my need for room to breath.   I refuse to keep worrying about anyone or anything else.  That will work itself out.  It might mean, fewer cable channels, a smaller apartment, fewer new pairs of shoes, but those are minor sacrifices to spend each day feeling like it is my own.  Not feeling as if I owe that day and my energy to some corporate behemoth that has no recognition of my heart and soul’s desires.   But a feeling that the day and the energy I have put into it has made the world a better place, me a happier person and has put my soul at rest in the knowledge that I am giving of myself and to myself.

 

I watch with envy and admiration to my friends and acquaintances who have found the strength to work at jobs they love, whether it is for themselves or someone else.  There is a carefree attitude that they carry that I want to see in myself and to have others see in me.  Not to say they do not work hard, struggle and get frustrated.  I know that they do! I’ve been there to hold some their hands through some pretty rough times, but they have one shared knowledge that I do not these days.  They know that no matter how rough the times may be, they LOVE what they do.  Their passion and dedication are my touchstones, my holy grail that I am urgently seeking.  I am ready to strike out on my quest, my crusade.  What I need now is a plan (which I am this close to perfecting – watch for more on that in the coming days – things may surprise you!), the strength (which may come out of sheer desperation and boredom) and the support, advice and mentoring of some really talented people who understand this yearning.  I’m seeking volunteers!  I’m open to all advice, direction and moral support. 

 

I need to find that place in the world that is uniquely mine.  Wayne Dyer said (and forgive me Wayne for stealing your quote) “Doing what you love is the cornerstone of having abundance in your life.”  It is time for the abundance in my life.  Now I just need to find the place to do it, whether it is for me or someone else.  It has become an imperative that I find the abundance.

 

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Goals

If you look down on the right side of my page, you will see a link to 43 Things.  I was just playing on the internet and came across this site.  The concept is that you can write yourself up to 43 goals.  They can be as minor or as major as you want.  The fun part is that you can also set "how are you doing" reminders.  You can also see other people who are working on the same goals you are and comments they have made on their progress. 

With all of the changes, transitions and turmoil my life has been through lately, it was cleansing to sit for that 1/2 hour thinking about some of the things I want to accomplish.  I only have 17 things on my list right now, but each day I think of something new that I know I should add. 

Why did 43 things appeal to me?  Because it puts my goals out there.  In a unique way it makes them public and in a strange way, it makes them feel more real.  I have always had these goals and have never really seemed to be able to make much progress accomplishing them.  Now, I have to deal with the knowledge that if I don't work on these goals, I won't be able to mark them off my list.  I don't know why having them posted makes them more real.  I can't begin to explain why they feel that way.  I only know that they do and that makes me happy.  They have become something solid, not the abstracts "I'll get around to it" that have floated in my mind for all of these years. 

Now, I just have to make myself continue to make progress on those goals.  I have set some pretty aggressive personal goals and deadlines.  Now to move forward.

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A weekend that I really needed …

A fun day spent wandering a flea market, having lunch and sitting outside enjoying the weather and a few (ok more than a few drinks!) with a very dear friend.
Sat night was on a "date" with another friend who I would like to get to know better. We'll see how that does or does not work out.  We had a really good time together anyway.
The only hiccup to Sat. night was running into my ex and his new girlfriend and a bunch of their friends.  I walked right by him.  Sadly, neither of us acknowledging each other.  This is getting to be ridiculous.  We need to be adults and not act as if the other one does not exist.  But, when he is with her, I am not going to go out of my way to speak to him. If we see each other at the same time or he says something, then I will speak to him.  But, I won't seem to be making a scene by going out of my way to speak to him when he is with her.  I won't lower myself to that.  If he is alone, with his guy friends or we both see each at the same time, I will speak to him. I refuse to act as if we were not together, that what we had was not real.  I hope that at some point he choses to do the same. 
Sunday was the best day of the weekend.  Sunny and warm.  I spent it burning a lot of calories and absorbing a lot of sunshine by kayaking down the Delaware River with my friend Denise.   The fall colors in the trees were beautiful.  The trip again was telling the story of my life.  Surrounded by beauty, that is changing in many ways.  The water was higher creating slightly bigger rapids and the wind was blowing upstream so we were paddling into it.  I spent a good portion of my paddling feeling like I was moving in place, but actually making a little bit of progress.  Eventually, we came to the end
A nice dinner and a few drinks and a nice drive back home finished off our day.
And a Thanks to Philly Car Share!  My mini was a blast to drive and the customer service when my 1st reserved car had a flat tire was really awesome!  So glad I signed up and I will definitely be reserving cars more often.
Here is some our Sunday – look at that sunshine!

Glo

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QotD: Total Trust

Who would you trust with your life?

Anyone in my family, that pretty much goes without saying.  I come from a large family and though we may not always agree and may let too long go between communicating, we will always be there for each other.  No matter what.
And the precious few people that I can truly call my friends.  Not my acquaintances, not those people who I just hang out with, but those wonderful few people, they know who they are, that are always there for me when it is good or bad.  I've learned that these people, I would lay my life down for and they have earned my full trust also. 

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The importance of passion

Lately I have begun to really understand the true importance of passion in our lives.  The many levels, many forms of passion.  (in no particular order)

The passion we have to have for life.  If you think about what life is without some reason to exist, something that makes us wake up in the morning – that is a life without passion.

The passion of the world around us.  Just think for a moment how amazing it is that we exist, that a flower is the color it is, the heights that our technology has reached.  It is mindboggleling and must be revered with all the awe we can muster.

The passion we have for our jobs – I'm learning this one because I am the process of starting my own business.   I finally feel the passion that I have always searched for in my work life.

The passion we have for our children, our family and our friends – the older I become the more I understand how much we need these people and how passionate we have to be about keeping them close to us and making sure they know how very much they mean to us.  Life without these people is lonely existence.

The passion we have with our spouses or significant others – having been in both situations and by observing others.  I am finally starting to understand that passion is not just about the physical reaction we may have to these people.  Not that the physical passion is not important, it is, a caring, satisfying physical relationship can be the base to build an intimacy and closeness that will support a solid partnership. But it also about the passion the partnership itself.  The passion we develop for our supporter, our confidante, our lover and our best friend. 

And how different our lives are when those family, friends, spouses or significant others are no longer a part of our lives.   When that passion is no longer glowing and lighting our way through life.

A life lived without passion is a life not worth living.  It is a slow walk through the fright-filled swamp that is a life with no meaning, no direction.

So today, go out and celebrate your passion.  Tell someone you love them.  Bask in the sun that shines on your face.  Hug a child or a pet.   Gaze upon the face of those you love and commit them to memory for the day they are no longer here.  Love, live and laugh.

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